Colleges nationwide have rolled out a bold new policy requiring all students to wear a yarmulke on campus or face immediate deportation.
The move comes in the wake of Mahmoud Khalil’s looming deportation, a case that has sparked administrators to devise a clear litmus test for loyalty to America’s staunchest ally, Israel. Campus officials argue this is a foolproof way to separate those who back freedom from those secretly rooting for Hamas.
The policy took effect this week at several prominent universities, with students scrambling to comply. At UCLA, sophomore biology major Jake Peterson shrugged as he adjusted his newly acquired headwear.
“I just want to pass my finals,” he said. “If wearing this keeps me from being shipped off to who-knows-where, I’ll do it.”
Faculty members have raised objections, pointing to potential violations of the First Amendment. Professor Linda Grayson, a constitutional law expert at NYU, called the mandate a blatant overreach, arguing that forcing religious attire on students stifles free expression.
Within hours of her public statement, Grayson’s name appeared on a deportation watchlist circulated by the university’s newly formed “Patriot Compliance Office.” Another professor, who asked to remain anonymous, has reportedly begun packing his office after questioning the policy during a faculty meeting.
Supporters of the rule say it’s a small price to pay for national security. At a press conference, University of Texas regent Dan Hargrove dismissed the criticism outright.
“If you’re not willing to wear a yarmulke for a few hours a day, maybe you don’t belong in this country,” he declared. The regent went on to note that the headwear is lightweight and available in school colors.
The Khalil case, which inspired this policy, stems from an incident this month where the graduate student was detained after attending a pro-Palestinian rally. Authorities claimed his presence at the event signaled disloyalty, though no formal charges have been filed.
Now, campuses are taking no chances, with some even installing “yarmulke checkpoints” at lecture halls and dorms to enforce compliance.
Student reactions vary widely. At Michigan State, junior Aisha Patel questioned the logic behind the rule.
“I’m Hindu — how does this even apply to me?” she asked. Two days later, Patel received a notice to report for an “allegiance review” with campus security.
Meanwhile, frat houses have embraced the policy with enthusiasm, turning yarmulke-wearing into a drinking game called “Kippah Shots.”
Civil liberties groups have vowed to challenge the mandate in court, citing its coercive nature. ACLU attorney Mark Torres called it a disturbing precedent.
“This isn’t about security — it’s about conformity dressed up as patriotism,” he said. Legal experts predict a lengthy battle, but for now, students are left with a stark choice: wear the yarmulke or pack their bags.
Administrators remain unfazed by the backlash. At a recent board meeting, Ohio State president Margaret Klein doubled down.
“We’re sending a message: unity matters more than your feelings,” she stated. The university has already ordered 50,000 custom yarmulkes emblazoned with its logo, set to arrive by next semester.
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